Funerals

[Stormy Peak]

One of my aunts passed away last week, and Wednesday I went to her funeral.

Maybe I'm old fashioned...but when I was growing up in the 1960s and 1970's people dressed in somber, black clothing...men in suits, women in modest dresses, or sometimes black slacks and blouse, often with a woman's jacket over that, dress shoes, with the women's heels not being excessively high.

Every year since about the late 1970's the dress standard has dropped...and from what I saw yesterday, it's hit rock bottom.
Blue jeans (even some of the 'ripped' style) was most common, bright colored shirts, baseball hats, one person was even wearing flip flops. One of my cousins did wear black dress, but, in my opinion, it was not fitting for a funeral - it looked like the kind of dress a woman would wear to a night club, deep V-line, cut outs on the shoulders and the sides...and yes she was wearing stiletto heels.

As I said, I must be old fashioned, because I was taught it was a sign of respect to dress in modest, black clothing in attending a funeral. Rant over about that part of today's funeral customs...or lack there of...

An incident:

I was talking with the daughter of a great-aunt that I hadn't seen in decades. We chatted for like 1 minute and someone called their name and and as they excused their selves to go meet another couple, she said something like 'It is good meeting you again, and I can't believe you remember me after so many years. I replied back..."Yeah, it was at the 1977 family reunion."
And then turned to go into the building...but the cousin in the night club dress had just come around the corner of the building and I was facing her. At this point I did not know who she was, because, I hadn't seen her since she was 6 years old.

I'm 56 years old, she's probably about 25 years old.
She looked right at me with a frown and pointed at me...and said in a rather loud voice. "THIS IS NOT A FAMILY REUNION"

Stunned, I said "What?"
She repeated herself, but at least with a lower volume.

My blood was boiling....

I pointed right back at her and with a LOT of anger in my voice, I said,
"Little Girl, you did not hear my complete sentence and you better learn to shut your mouth until you understand a situation. I was talking to someone about a 1977 family reunion....and how Dare you assume that at my age, I don't know the difference between a funeral and a family reunion."

Her mouth gaped open and shut like a fish several times, and I walked passed her and into the building.

Yeah.. I'm old fashioned and think there should be some dignity shown at funerals...but man, I came so close to throwing dignity to the wind and wanting to slap that little twit in her night club dress and FM pumps she was wearing.

Grief and anger are not a good mix.

Stormy

[Dylan Christensen]

Funerals have come to be a celebration of life and not so much a mourning any longer. My cousins father recently passed away when she was just 16 and that was obviously the most difficult thing she had ever gone through. You would expect nothing but tears from her at the funeral because of the gravity of the situation however this was not at all the case. When I saw her she was nothing but smiles because all of these people had come to celebrate her fathers life. They may not have been dressed in all black or anything but she felt the comfort they had brought her and indulged herself in listening to each and every story people had to tell her about her dad.

During the actual service there was constant laughter over the stories people told showcasing what a great man her father was. Funerals are no longer a time of mourning but rather a time of celebration. What you wear should not matter at all because it’s all about celebrating the deceased one last time in any way fit(whether that be with or without all black clothing).

[Abby Brooks]

Who are you to judge what is deemed as respectable vs not? Whether that be style of attire or the way the funeral was held?

Stormy, I'm might blow your brain out of the water here so buckle in.

My 18yo cousin passed away in March due to a car accident, and as we all know..Covid had us shut down to all hell. He had an outdoors showing where close family, including myself would sit around him and those who were more distant or simply wanted to pay their respects were instructed to line up in the parking lot in a drive by fashion. This was not standard, This was not in the way we wanted it, but I did not walk away with some selfish anger about how it was handled. Was I angry? Yes, at the world for letting me lose someone I'd consider a brother, at him for not wearing a seat belt, but I did not walk away from the death of a familiar member angry at my OWN family. As for attire? Our entire close family, old, young, wheelchair, toddlers not able to walk, dressed up like him to honor him. We had beanies on, we had 3 times oversized shirts and hoodies on. We honored him

We recently cerebrated his birthday by having essentially a little party at his grave. We all, as Dylan mentioned in a similar experience, told funny stories, basically ratted him out to his mother about his..misadventures because that is our way of honoring Who the * cares what you are wearing when someone you love has passed away? I had a cousin wearing a Halloween costume, that they had planned to do this October. I saw a few friends of them fully geared up in their "skater" pads and with their boards because they how they met them. I don't know about others, but appearance is the last thing I am thinking about personally and about others when reality sits in of losing someone you loved.

You refereed to your 25yo niece as a "little girl", but I think you should look in the mirror

[The Harlequins]

Stormy , respect is respect, guests would never show up like that in England, young children of close family would also dress in a somber tone.

I am sorry to say i once addressed a funeral of a fallen colleague whose body parts were scattered over 20 mts.

He was not English by birth, but the dress attire of his family and friends angers me to this day.


And there conduct after comfirmed my worse fears.

[Carole Hanson]

Disagree with you there Frank, England is incredibly diverse and is host to people from many different cultures and backgrounds. In some cultures celebrating one’s life rather than mourning their death is a tradition and custom and should not be looked down upon just because it’s your way of doing things. There’s a word for this kind of discrimination and it begins with ‘R’.

[Dylan Christensen]

Stormy , respect is respect, guests would never show up like that in England, young children of close family would also dress in a somber tone.

I am sorry to say i once addressed a funeral of a fallen colleague whose body parts were scattered over 20 mts.

He was not English by birth, but the dress attire of his family and friends angers me to this day.


And there conduct after comfirmed my worse fears.

Who are you to judge how a family handles the death of a loved one?

[The Harlequins]

Who are you to judge how a family handles the death of a loved one?.

Im a nobody Dylan, but i have been there when the bad news as been broken, hope it never happens to you.

Frank

[Dylan Christensen]

Im a nobody Dylan, but i have been there when the bad news as been broken, hope it never happens to you.

Frank

What does that have to do with you disrespecting the families of the dead?

[Danny Derby]

Stormy , respect is respect, guests would never show up like that in England, young children of close family would also dress in a somber tone.

I am sorry to say i once addressed a funeral of a fallen colleague whose body parts were scattered over 20 mts.

He was not English by birth, but the dress attire of his family and friends angers me to this day.


And there conduct after comfirmed my worse fears.

Attending a colleagues funeral and judging his family while there is literally the most disrespectful thing I can imagine. These peoples lives were just torn apart after losing a husband and father, and you're sitting there judging them? If your colleague were alive I'm sure he'd have some choice words for you, and you'd probably deserve them all.

[The Harlequins]

you people

[The Steward]

I appreciate comments like Dylan's discussing how funerals have really morphed more into celebrations of life. I have found that true myself.

I do not appreciate comments like Rocki's that Stormy - who is clearly GRIEVING and mentioned that she is AWARE that her grief and anger are not a good mix - needs to "look in the mirror." Seriously? On a post about grief? She's trying to vent in a safe space to "friends."

I can see where it is hard for an "older generation" as it were to handle some of the changes in customs, but there is NO place to be waspish to someone clearly grieving. If you don't like it, don't comment. Nothing bad will happen to you if you don't.