I'm 26, A Mom Myself, And...

[Lily Wilkins]

My mother still thinks she owns me or something. I'm so sorry for the long post, but I need to vent. I want to rip my freaking hair out.

So, first, some backstory. My mom and I have always been very close; we're mother/daughter best friends. I am an only child and I lived at home until I was 23 because I had horses and was in college, Ect. We always did a lot together.
Lat year, my mom decided to divorce my father and move to across the country to live with her boyfriend. Well, in the midst of the pandemic, she is finding that the boyfriend isn't the Mr. Wonderful that she thought he was, and she wants to move out of his house and get her own place/life.

My mom was always mother first, worker later. Because of this, she has pretty sparse work experience and her resume needed some serious revamping. I spent three hours on the phone with her on Google Docs the other day making her an attractive, relevant new resume for a job she had heard about through word of mouth and wanted to apply to. She acted put out that I even had her on the phone participating with me while I worked on it, no joke... She wanted to send me her ten year old outdated resume, and say "good Luck" and have me just email her the finished product when it was completed. Yeah, no way. It's something that honestly, she should have been doing 100% herself, but she's been extremely emotionally unstable recently and I wanted to be kind to her, so I babied her through it.

Fast forward to today. She calls me as I'm leaving for a doctor's appointment, and she goes "so I found out that the job is on Indeed, so I have to apply through there, and it's not for a receptionist position, it's for a patient therapist position"
She then proceeded to tell me that she wants to completely REDO her resume (yes, the one I spent hours working on) to more heavily highlight her time that she spent working at a gym in my home town, and her Yoga Instructor certification. She then also informed me that she also would like me to write her cover letter for her, and help her set up an account on Indeed. and she would like to do all of that TONIGHT after my fiancé is off work.

Now, here's the deal. I am a MOTHER. I have a ten month old son, and anyone on here with kids knows that means I am BUSY. He is mobile, he is demanding, and it's just my fiancé and I taking care of him 24/7 because of COVID. My fiancé works 40+ hours a week, so it's all me Monday-Friday from 8:00AM until 6:00ishPM. Our house is currently ripped apart because we are trying to take home-made Christmas pictures of said baby to send to family in Christmas cards. We still have more pictures to take, then I need to edit them and get them sent to be printed so we can get cards out ASAP. I have a massive amount of work I have to do, and I was planning on doing it tonight. I have been really struggling emotionally myself, but I wouldn't dare burden her with my BS because she's so wrapped up in her own stuff that she wouldn't want to hear it, and it's seemed unfair to dump onto her.

So, I gently and kindly told her "tonight might be hard, I have a lot of things that I need to get done. I'm happy to think about it during my drive to the doctor though and work something out"

Her voice got shaky like she was about to cry (you would have thought I had just told her she's the worst mom ever), and she went "it's fine don't worry about it. I'll leave you alone, bye"
And I was like "okay, I love you, bye" and she had to add one more "bye" in there (without an "I love you back", mind you) and hung up.

I have not heard from her since. She usually messages me a lot throughout the day. I am boiling over with stress because I seriously do not need my emotionally unstable mother upset with me in addition to everything else going on, but my gosh, could she be any more of an inconsiderate, manipulative, a**hole? She has a perfectly good laptop, internet access, and Google at her disposal, as well as a beautiful resume that she could tweak herself, yet she wants me to just drop my life and do it all FOR her.
And the best part is, she acts like my grandmother is some sort of jerk for doing my uncle's homework for him through High School.. Is that not the same mentality she now wants to benefit from?
I am so fed up. And of course, I somehow feel guilty for posting this!

[Stormy Peak]

Ahhhh... difficult moms...lol

'm 57, and very well know what it's like to have a mom who was ...to put it as nicely as I can, someone who would try to push all the right buttons to make her kids feel guilty if we didn't do everything she wished...and if we didn't, she would often, tell us... 'Well, you just don't love me."

It took me until I was about 24 or 25 before I finally had enough. I told her I loved her dearly...she was after all...for the most part a great mom, she did a lot for us kids, and she certainly loved us. However, she wanted to be put up on a pedestal and snap her fingers and have us at her beck and call 24/7, and pretty much thought she should get a gift of some sort for any calendar event ... a holiday = 'give mom a gift day'

I finally just stopped doing it.... again, I told her I loved her, and if she asked me to do something, and I Had The Time... I would do it. I also use to call her up and ask her if there was anything I could do for her....like pick something up at the store for her if I was going downtown anyways.

It was hard at first...she really laid on the 'Pitiful me, my kid doesn't love me anymore' routine...but I stood my ground. Eventually, she started to treat me with more respect, like an adult...rather than one of her kids she could manipulate into doing what she wanted.

I don't know your mom, of course, but I think you are wise to start letting her know you will help her when you can, on your terms. Because if you keep doing stuff that she can do herself...she will, more and more, expect that of you....and I think that is just something in general that happens...a part of human nature for most people. Some people are not like that, but it's too easy to start relying on others to do stuff for you...since they will...and so you don't have to do it.

Also, after having said all that...just keep in mind too, that your mom...is probably feeling a bit scared of life right now. She made some decisions that she thought would make herself happier and it failed. And now, she's an older woman, trying to find a job in a job market where usually younger adults are applying for the same position...and a lot of the younger kids often have the more modern 'skillsets' with computer programs and electronic communications.

You might ask her to tweak her own resume, then email or whatever a copy to you to review and maybe you can edit it in ways you think it might sound better...send it back and let her decide about the changes and she can do the final copy herself.
I think while she might not like doing it...in the end, she might also find some satisfaction in taking part in the work.

Stormy

[Lily Wilkins]

Ahhhh... difficult moms...lol

'm 57, and very well know what it's like to have a mom who was ...to put it as nicely as I can, someone who would try to push all the right buttons to make her kids feel guilty if we didn't do everything she wished...and if we didn't, she would often, tell us... 'Well, you just don't love me."

It took me until I was about 24 or 25 before I finally had enough. I told her I loved her dearly...she was after all...for the most part a great mom, she did a lot for us kids, and she certainly loved us. However, she wanted to be put up on a pedestal and snap her fingers and have us at her beck and call 24/7, and pretty much thought she should get a gift of some sort for any calendar event ... a holiday = 'give mom a gift day'

I finally just stopped doing it.... again, I told her I loved her, and if she asked me to do something, and I Had The Time... I would do it. I also use to call her up and ask her if there was anything I could do for her....like pick something up at the store for her if I was going downtown anyways.

It was hard at first...she really laid on the 'Pitiful me, my kid doesn't love me anymore' routine...but I stood my ground. Eventually, she started to treat me with more respect, like an adult...rather than one of her kids she could manipulate into doing what she wanted.

I don't know your mom, of course, but I think you are wise to start letting her know you will help her when you can, on your terms. Because if you keep doing stuff that she can do herself...she will, more and more, expect that of you....and I think that is just something in general that happens...a part of human nature for most people. Some people are not like that, but it's too easy to start relying on others to do stuff for you...since they will...and so you don't have to do it.

Also, after having said all that...just keep in mind too, that your mom...is probably feeling a bit scared of life right now. She made some decisions that she thought would make herself happier and it failed. And now, she's an older woman, trying to find a job in a job market where usually younger adults are applying for the same position...and a lot of the younger kids often have the more modern 'skillsets' with computer programs and electronic communications.

You might ask her to tweak her own resume, then email or whatever a copy to you to review and maybe you can edit it in ways you think it might sound better...send it back and let her decide about the changes and she can do the final copy herself.
I think while she might not like doing it...in the end, she might also find some satisfaction in taking part in the work.

Stormy

Thank you for sharing your own experiences, wisdom, and insight <3 it put things in perspective, and it helps a lot to know that i'm not alone.

[Nick Gilmore]

Sorry, but the flip side of the coin...my mom passed on in 1994 and not one single day has passed since that I don’t wish she were here to call me to ask for help. I’d give anything to have your problem. No one ever said life was easy, so do what you can and appreciate what you have.

[Lily Wilkins]

Sorry, but the flip side of the coin...my mom passed on in 1994 and not one single day has passed since that I don’t wish she were here to call me to ask for help. I’d give anything to have your problem. No one ever said life was easy, so do what you can and appreciate what you have.

You have a very good point, Nick, and I am so sorry for the loss of your mom <3 the feeling you described is one that I dread, and I will take your words to heart and will try not to let little things make me forget what really matters.

[Rebecca Rose Hepburn]

I absolutely sympathize with Nick but I would like to add in my 2 cents that, while it's important to appreciate people while you have them, it's also important to not let the knowledge of a future loss color all the interactions you have with loved ones. My mom was sick for many years and died when I was 14. I spent many years regretting the fact that we fought constantly because teenage girls (aka me at 14) are the devil, and why didn't I know better because it was so obvious that she wouldn't live until old age? Something I was told years later always stuck with me; that it's a blessing to have a 'normal' relationship with someone because constantly reminding yourself that you won't have them one day chains you to a future misery instead of the present. Now that's not to say you shouldn't appreciate them, of course you should count yourself blessed for the loved ones in your life, but in the end here it shouldn't change whatever decision you make about what constitutes a healthy and workable relationship between you and your mom right now.

It sounds like your mother needs help and support right now, but you still have limits on what you can reasonably do. I like Stormy's idea of asking her to tweak the resume and send it to you to look over. Let her know that you love her and care for her but don't give in and do everything for her. Something you could try would be offering to work together with her over the phone if you have a free half hour and just offer her help while she's making the changes or putting together a profile or whatever she's doing. It might make her feel good to do most of it herself; I've had a fair share of problems and breakdowns and such, and honestly it can be a real boost to have anything where you can go "I might have problems with xyz but hey, that's something I accomplished"

[Nick Gilmore]

Well said RRH! We must also remember that mothers excel at guilt tripping us into doing their bidding. It’s a very tricky balancing act finding that happy medium for all involved.

[Lily Wilkins]

Yes, very well said Rebecca, thank you!

I do want my mom to succeed and feel supported, so I'm going to do my best to work through this with her in a way that we can both get what we need.